I was in a yoga class the other day and the instructor was playing a mix of music. "Everything in it's right place" came on and I felt really good in my body. Enjoying the class trying to get physical again and again.
Then Kate Bush's Woman's Work came on and I began to sink in my posture. That song has always made me sad. It seems to be about labor and birth (to me). Here are the lyrics:
Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
Though we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.
Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.
(I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.)
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things we should've said,
That we never said.
All the things we should've done,
Though we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.
Maybe it's just about someone dying and loss and regret but of course I think of Milos. And i found myself crying in child's pose trying to hide. And Monty was with his new babysitter. She's been with us for a couple of weeks and I've slowly been letting them further and further out of my sight. So I trust her as much as you can trust someone else with your child which is not really a much but I try my best. So, crying there on the floor I was thinking of Milos and Monty and I wanted to jump up and run out of the room and find my son. Make sure he was ok, feel him, smell him. Mind you I had just left him about 20 min. prior. Sigh this is parenting after the death of a baby. Fear, fear, fear. And whatever progress was made over the last months as he grows past SIDS risk and becomes a more hearty child overall has been nearly demolished by the next phase of having to let him go out into the world with another caretaker and sometimes now just on his own. In front of me, exploring the world on his own two feet, hazard riddled playgrounds and quickly out of sight maze like shopping malls, cars on the street, stairs, ramps, concrete, it goes on and on. And i cried this week more than i have in months because it's already time to let go of him
and trust he'll be ok. HOW? When you've already been so burned? Sometimes i think, nothing could happen because we've already been touched by death and misery but i stop the thought quick because some people just get more than their share and others get none. It's just how it seems to work and I know I won't ever understand why so i need to trust and press on, one day at a time.
