Forgetting/Forgiving

The other night at my husbands art opening we were talking with a friend who had a baby a week before we lost Milos. He was talking about his daughter and as he was talking I was trying to remember how old she was and then I was struck with silent horror that I had forgotten that she was Milos' age! Why hadn't that struck me immediately? I can only hope I am letting go of the resentment I felt towards every friend who had a baby that year we lost our first son and not that I am forgetting Milos.
Never.

(Re)touched

Thanks to another wonderful Mom who lost her little girl as I lost Milos for retouching these pictures. I am so touched by her love and attention to these images. Thank You!

My 1st and 2nd Mothers Day

It's a week since Mother's Day. I am finding it so hard to keep posting here with Monty keeping me wonderfully busy. But I have been writing things in fits and starts...
Last year we tried to escape the grief surrounding the day by getting out of town. It helped a little to be out of the house our first son died in. That Sunday morning we went to a Waffle House in Amish Pennsylvania thinking it would be the last place for any mothers celebrating. But a waiter greeted us at the door with roses who was asking each woman "Are you a Mom?" I paused and said, "My son died this year." And the odd thing was this man didn't even miss a beat, and said, "Well you're a mom then." no surprise or shock like most people and handed me a flower. It was kind of nice to be included.
This year I have Monty to hold in my arms and so it is my first Mother's day as a parent but not technically as a mom. Still, lately when people stop to coo at Monty and they ask, "Is it your first?" I have so far reflexively answered, "Yes" then immediately feel sad and sorry for Milos. I say a little apology to him in my head and explain how if I think I will have more than two conversations with someone I always tell them about him but if it’s just a passing conversation with a stranger, I leave it alone. But… Monty in a way is my first because I am an active parent to him. I’ve been feeling that instinct to nurture and protect him above and before all else. I didn't protect Milos, not enough to get him here alive. So I was not a good mother to him. Last Mother’s Day I felt let down, maybe even like he let me down but this Mother’s day I feel I let him down. I am so sorry my first son. Forever and ever sorry.

In this bed Pt. 2

Emily Dickinson (1830–86). Complete Poems. 1924.

Part Four: Time and Eternity LXIII

AMPLE make this bed.
Make this bed with awe;
In it wait till judgment break
Excellent and fair.
Be its mattress straight,	5
Be its pillow round;
Let no sunrise’ yellow noise
Interrupt this ground.

In this bed

Every night I lie in bed and nurse Monty in the same bed they laid Milos' dead little body next to me. Each night where I hold Monty in my arms and listen to his sweet sucking and cooing, is the spot where I have a fossilized picture of Milos silent and grey. It was just a little over a year ago and yet each night, lying next to my luscious second baby boy I am struck by how close Milos still feels and it breaks my heart all over again, in a new way, each day that Monty grows is a day that Milos never will.

Dear Heart

Valentines Day 2010, your little brother is 9 days old. We waited so long for him and our joy this last week has been immeasurable since his safe arrival (I believe you guided Monty to us with speed and grace, Thank You big brother). But I wanted you to know that my heart will always have a hole where you once lived and breathed in my body. You are my first son. Monty's beauty is frequently a reminder of yours left unfulfilled. As I share his picture with friends and family they gush and I wish I could share the "sleeping" picture of you to hear the same words of praise that I've only heard from other moms who have lost their little ones as well because they are the only ones I can share your picture with.

Journal entry tonight

January 26, 2010
I have no words today. I remember that feeling from last year this time - There are no words - There are not enough words. I began the day strong feeling ok and end it now feeling very weak and afraid. I remember you little one. I don't imagine I could ever forget that day you wriggled out of me cold and grey but still my baby - forever I love you, unknown - unrealized but never unloved.
A

Milos' 1st BIRTHday

Words are failing me today on Milos' 1st birth-day/death-day/forever-day... so I am posting the only pictures I have of my first son. We love you baby boy!

The incompetent paramedic, Milos and me.














Just Milos and me














Milos later at the horrible hospital aftermath.

1st Anniversary Visitors

Last year in those tumultuous weeks after we lost Milos I noticed (for the first time after living here for 3 winters) that we were being visited daily by a pair of Mourning Doves. Now, they have returned again to herald this week before his anniversary. Thank you sweet little birds for remembering him with your plaintive coo.

http://www.all-creatures.org/articles/ar-themourning.html