My 1st and 2nd Mothers Day

It's a week since Mother's Day. I am finding it so hard to keep posting here with Monty keeping me wonderfully busy. But I have been writing things in fits and starts...
Last year we tried to escape the grief surrounding the day by getting out of town. It helped a little to be out of the house our first son died in. That Sunday morning we went to a Waffle House in Amish Pennsylvania thinking it would be the last place for any mothers celebrating. But a waiter greeted us at the door with roses who was asking each woman "Are you a Mom?" I paused and said, "My son died this year." And the odd thing was this man didn't even miss a beat, and said, "Well you're a mom then." no surprise or shock like most people and handed me a flower. It was kind of nice to be included.
This year I have Monty to hold in my arms and so it is my first Mother's day as a parent but not technically as a mom. Still, lately when people stop to coo at Monty and they ask, "Is it your first?" I have so far reflexively answered, "Yes" then immediately feel sad and sorry for Milos. I say a little apology to him in my head and explain how if I think I will have more than two conversations with someone I always tell them about him but if it’s just a passing conversation with a stranger, I leave it alone. But… Monty in a way is my first because I am an active parent to him. I’ve been feeling that instinct to nurture and protect him above and before all else. I didn't protect Milos, not enough to get him here alive. So I was not a good mother to him. Last Mother’s Day I felt let down, maybe even like he let me down but this Mother’s day I feel I let him down. I am so sorry my first son. Forever and ever sorry.