1, 2, 3...

Three years and each one brings a gift of newly discovered grief
I hate today not just because it is the day my first son died
But because I never know how to honor his memory
it feels like failing him all over again
it's the end of a long day
(Why can’t I ever sit down and do this first thing?)
failure
And this blog feels more like a albatross than a phoenix
I started it to memorialize him
It’s pathetic
an annual entry
I’ve failed him again
I am no longer sure why I would want to write my feelings publicly?
am I trying to prove that I remember him
I am sure there is little doubt by anyone that I could ever forget
And I am certainly not proving that I love him here
failure
That’s what this anniversary has revealed to me
failure
After two years of love and care for Monty I have discovered
How much I failed Milos as a mother
I wasn’t there when he needed me
I had no idea how to take care of him
I left him alone in the hospital to die (again)
if that had been Monty I would have never left!
so maybe I was not a mother when Milos died
I didn’t feel transformed into one when he was born limp
failure
Ok, so this isn’t exactly a new revelation
But instead of just feeling that I killed him or abandoned him as a person
Which may sound odd but it was more of how I saw myself
Compared to now
Now, I feel like a failed him as a mother
And no tin that way that every mom feels like a failure
More like in a Sophie’s Choice kind of failure as a mother

So in an attempt to begin a ritual or to do something meaningful for him
to right a wrong (ha!)
We ended up going to a Buddhist Temple in Chinatown at the end of the day
After a long family nap
After I cried in David’s arms for a good long while
in the rain (the weather is always sh*t on his birthday)
there was a giant gold Buddha and gifts of oranges and incense
and lanterns and Christmas lights and people praying and monks chanting
Monty was mesmerized
He talked about the gong the monks made with the bowl all evening
I lit an incense stick
and we gave money
next year I think we'll bring oranges
It felt good to be there
an attempt at something fitting
He died on Chinese new year
both him and his brother are oxen
This week ushers in the year of the water dragon
God/Buddha help us!